My Advice to College Freshmen

Throughout my three and a half years of college, I've learned a lot. No, not that kind of learning, silly. I go to a liberal arts college. I've learned a lot about college. If nothing else comes from my college experience besides a degree that won't get me a job, I can at least spread my wisdom on to future generations.

When I started college, I felt I was not prepared. I'd heard stories and gotten advice from people but it did not help at all. Now, I know why it did not help. Because they were lying. Everyone, except me, is going to lie to you about college. Why? They can not find a job that requires their degree and start applying to various service positions . They do not want to compete with you for the job so they send you to college for four years with fairy tales that they have created in the hours of free time they have between writing cover letters and going to job interviews.

I promise I'm not lying to you. I want to help you. I know what you're thinking- "But you admittedly fail at life. Why should I listen to you?" Because the best advice on how to succeed comes from a failure. Ask someone who is successful how they did it. They'll say something like "I prayed and trusted in God" or "With lots of support from my family" or "I was lucky" or "lots of hard work and determination." I call bologna on all these responses. I've failed and can tell you how not to fail. And if you don't fail, then you succeed. It's sound logic. You're welcome.


Myth: It's all right to be undecided about your major when you are a freshman.

Truth: Choose your major by the end of the first semester of freshman year at the latest.

They are going to tell you that it's natural to remain undecided in your freshman year. Um, no. First day of classes, every other freshman you meet will tell you their chosen major, minor and/or double major, and where they are going to go to grad school in four years. You're still trying to decide whether chicken or beef is your favorite flavor of ramen.

If you don't choose your major by the end of fall semester freshman year, you are so totally screwed. There is always going to be a course you should have taken but didn't that was only offered your first semester or you won't be able to get enough credits in your major/minor or something. It's a known fact that the only thing that all the offices and departments in colleges communicate about is how to screw over students.

Myth: Never put a paper off until the night before it is due.

Truth: Always put a paper off until the night/morning before it is due.

Professors will tell you that there is no way to finish this paper the night before. It is not possible. You will fail. People have tried and they have failed. Except, people have tried and they've done just fine. You see, most students believe that this is a warning from the professor. It's not. It's a challenge. It's impossible to finish this paper the night before and get a good grade? I'll show you, Professor. Just think how impressed they will be that you were able to write something that brilliant in one night. They will have new found respect for you. They will want you to give them advice about writing papers. Also, you get to use the old "I have to write this 10 page paper that's due tomorrow" as an excuse to get out of floor meetings or hanging out with the crazy person down the hall or talking to your parents on the phone.

To be fair, the maximum you can do the night before is 10-12 pages. Possibly 15 pages if you're really good and don't require sleep.

Myth: Real college students drink every night especially on the nights before big papers are due (see above).

Truth: There will be little to no time to drink. Also, Thirsty Thursdays are for douchebags.

Real college students do not drink every night unless they are alcoholics. Lots of college students drink over the weekend. A good number drink on Thursday nights. We call those people douchebags. Well, not everyone who drinks on Thursday is a douche but most are. The people who still have classes on Friday but drink on Thursday night anyway are total douches. The people who have parties on Thursday nights because they don't have class on Friday but fail to take into consideration that other people on the floor might have class and not want drunk people being all kinds of obnoxious right outside their door are complete douchebags. The people who when drunk on any night of the week decide that the funnest thing in the whole world would be to set off a fire extinguisher or punch holes in the walls are equal parts complete douchebag and total asshat. Do not be these people.

Myth: High school sucked and college will be so much better.

Truth: High school sucked, college is more of the same suckiness and chances are real life is not better.

This myth will not die. First, we're told that high school is the best time of your life. Half way through high school, they finally let us in on the joke that that was a lie. But don't worry. College is really the best time of your life. We are total suckers for believing their lies again.

I enjoyed high school but would not say it was the best time of my life. At least, I hope that was not the best time of my life. There was a lot of unnecessary drama among my group of friends. People needed to mature and the consensus seemed to be that people would stop being immature once they entered college. False. People who were immature in high school stay immature in college. It's also likely that they will have access to alcohol (see above).

Immaturity + alcohol = unnecessary drama

College is like high school but worse because you are paying lots of money to be there. Also, your stupidity is documented on Facebook. But I guess that point is moot because everyone is on Facebook and networks don't matter anymore. I think most people stopped posting drunk pictures from frat parties when their grandma friended them on Facebook.

Myth: You will learn so much from hearing other students' opinions.

Truth: Most people's opinions are wrong and you will learn nothing from them.

Just because someone is in college does not mean they are smart or enlightened. But because they are in college, they believe that everything they say is brilliant. Anyone who thinks they are saying something that is brilliant is not saying anything that is worth hearing. They will think that what you have to say is stupid and that you are the most ignorant person in the world. You will not care at all. You just want to take a nap. You have three options to get out of this situation: 1) Debate them. Eventually one of you will run out of things to say. Or someone else will join the debate and you can leave while they are distracted. 2) Nod your head as though you agree and leave while they are patting themselves on the back for converting you over to their side. 3) Punch them in the face. Wait a moment as everyone around you applauds. Then leave.

Myth: All your college/ university cares about is giving you a good education.

Truth: All they want is your money and will sacrifice your education to get it.

When you go for a campus visit or when you go to orientation, everyone who gets paid by the university will tell you how education is the most important thing and everyone there is there to make sure that you get the best education. They may even throw around phrases like "affordable education." They know that this is what your parents want to hear. They know that this is what the Tracy Flicks of the world want to hear. The thing is, it's not true.

Your university worships money. Sure, they will give you an education in exchange for thousands of dollars. If this were a MasterCard commercial, they would say that a good education is priceless. But colleges and universities around the world have managed to put large price tags on education. It's a clever scheme. Make you think that an education is so invaluable then they offer to give you an education and charge obscene amounts of money.

If you do not pay the obscene amounts of money, they get very angry. They won't let you register for classes. They will withhold your grades. They will start charging you late fees because the best way to get a poor person to pay their already late bill is to charge them more. If you can, pay your tuition on line because the internet is nicer than the people who work in your university's office. They just don't seem to understand that some people just don't have the money especially in these difficult economic times. Fast food places had recession deals on their food long before my college even acknowledged that there was a recession.

Myth: You will gain the Freshman 15.

Truth: You are more likely to lose 10-15 pounds.

Everyone talks about the Freshman 15. Because obviously the first thing you want to do when getting to college is eat nothing but junk food. Well, yes, you will eat junk food and probably more than you would eat at home. But junk food can get to be expensive. You know what's cheap. Ramen. Also, as a freshman, you will eat most of your meals in the dining hall. The food will not be that good but the upperclassmen will insist that it is better than what it used to be. Chances are that you won't overeat.

You may think that you will exercise to make sure that you don't gain weight. This will not happen. You will take a nap instead. Never fear, you will spend a large part of the first semester running around campus trying to figure out where you are. That counts as exercise, right? You will also take the stairs often because you don't have time to wait for the elevator since you forgot to set an alarm to wake you up from your nap. You'll be 10 pounds lighter just in time to gain it all back over Christmas break.

Myth: Finals week is so stressful.

Truth: Finals week is when you will finally have time to go to the movies and play video games.

Yes, you will have spent large portions of your weekends playing video games but finals week is when you finally can beat those video games. You only need to go to each class only once that week if you have to go at all. You might have to sacrifice a night or two of finals week to write a paper or two or three. But the rest of the time is fair game to do whatever. No more required reading. You can read your comics for hours if you want. You can have a dance party. You can take a nap.

Other helpful hints:

Do not take a nap in your dorm room.

The dorms are the worst place to take a nap. It will be too noisy. You may still want to take a nap there because that is where your bed is. However, if you want a quiet place to nap, go to the library. Now, I know that the library is not always the quietest place but there is always a quiet corner somewhere. Look for the section with the oldest and biggest books. That is the quietest corner. You will be able to identify it by all the people taking naps there.

Do not confront your roommate if you are having a problem with them.

It is likely that you are living in a closet sized room with this person. Problems with them will occur. It will be their fault. If you bring it up, they will probably just get angrier because they think since it is their room too, they should be able to do whatever they like even if it is incredibly annoying. Instead, have a passive aggressive fight with them. If they want the window open, close it. If they want to listen to music without head phones, play your music louder. The only exception to this rule is if your roommate eats your Girl Scout cookies. The relationship between a person and their Girl Scout cookies is sacred. If someone violates this relationship, that person is responsible for what happens to them.

Buy lots of underwear.

Most colleges send you a recommended list of supplies that you will need when living in a dorm. Ignore this list. All you really need besides things you already own is lots more underwear. When you get to school, you will discover that you own lots of shirts. You will also discover that you do not care about wearing the same pants 7 times before washing them. How often you have to do laundry depends upon how many pairs of underwear you own. The best time to do laundry is Friday night. Sure, you might want to have fun on a Friday, but you won't have to wait for a washer or dryer and no one will take your clothes out because you didn't come back the second the timer went off. Sacrifice a Friday every once in a while. If you have lots of underwear, you might only have to do laundry once a semester.


Congratulations on your acceptance to college. Good luck. It will be the best time of your life.

Greatest Ace Procrastinator

On Sunday, Emily and I were talking about my blog and how unbelievably (yet believably) hysterical I am among other things. I mentioned that I wanted to write a blog post every week but that it did not look like one was going up for this week because I had nothing to say. Also, I’m a huge procrastinator. That’s when I said I would probably end up doing a post about being a procrastinator. But I’d do it tomorrow. Get it? I’m so funny. I would procrastinate doing a post about procrastination. That was Sunday. It's Tuesday.

I should also mention that the above paragraph was written at about 11:30 this morning and now (11:30 pm) I'm finally getting around to finishing it. But in my defense, I was in the library, Carrie showed up and we had an entirely too long conversation about Pokemon. I plan time for procrastinating and still end up behind schedule. I'm so horrible.

Family legend has it that my mother had scheduled a c-section on March 8, 1988. She went into labor early in the morning on Monday, March 7, 1988. It was the beginning of Procrastinator's Week. My mother says it's the only thing I've been early for in my entire life.

Full Disclosure: I went to bed and did not finish this post last night. It is now Wednesday evening. This stopped being funny about 24 hours ago. Now, it’s just pathetic. Speaking of pathetic, I have a night class in 40 minutes that I didn’t finish reading for and should probably be doing that. It’s okay though. I’m suppose to read Doing Honest Work in College and one of the first things the book says is that not reading isn’t cheating. It’s just not getting the most of your education or something. I was really just skimming that part.

So… I don’t really know where I’m going with this post. I really wanted to try and get at least one post up per week. Hence, me writing about anything. Of course, now I’m too late and it’s been over a week. I guess I’ll just have to deal. I promise I’ll do better next week. At least, I’ll try to do better next week. Spare me the “do or do not, there is no try” stuff. I know. You’re just going to have to deal too. Why? Because I’m the goddamn dynamic failure and I can goddamn write my posts about whatever I goddamn want. Goddamn it. Also I can post them whenever I want (but I’ll try to be better). I never said I was perfect. Okay. I did. Because I am.

Law & Jedi Order: Coruscant Force Force

Law & Jedi Order: Coruscant Force Force
Episode I

On Coruscant, the political center of the galaxy, the city which encompasses the entire planet is protected by two powerful yet incompetent Jedi Knights: Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and his padawan Anakin “Ani” Skywalker. These are their stories.

DUN-DUN

HOME OF JEDI APPRENTICE ANAKIN SKYWALKER AND SENATOR PADME AMIDALA-SKYWALKER

SENATE DISTRICT, GALACTIC CITY, CORUSCANT

Anakin: You're so beautiful.

Padme: I'm only beautiful because I love you.

Anakin: It's because I love you.

Padme: No, it's because I love you, Ani.

Anakin: No, it isn't.

Padme: Yes, it is.

Anakin: No, it's because... hold on. I've got to take this it's Obi-Wan. [A little hologram of Obi-Wan appears] What is thy bidding, my master?

Obi-Wan: I thought I told you to stop saying that, Ani.

Anakin: And I thought I told you to stop calling me Ani.

Obi-Wan: Fair enough. You need to get down to the library now. It seems someone has broken several librarian droids. Yoda wants us to investigate.

Anakin: Can't this wait? I'm in the middle of something.

Obi-Wan: No. Yoda wants us to investigate now. He thinks it might have been an inside job.

Anakin: Okay. I'll meet you there as soon as I can. [Obi-Wan's hologram disappears] Padme, can we finish this argument later?

Padme: Fine. I wish we wouldn't argue so much.

Anakin: We only argue because I love you.

Padme: No, it's because I love you.

Anakin: Yeah, that's why. Look, I really have to go now.

Padme: I love you.

Anakin: You said that already.

Padme: It's because I love you so much.

Anakin: Right. I'll be home later.

DUN-DUN

CORUSCANT LIBRARY

GALACTIC CITY, CORUSCANT

Obi-Wan: [examining the broken droids] Tell me again what happened.

LD-26: [inexplicably chewing gum] Ya see, I normally work the afternoon shift but I's switched with LD-44 cause she needed the night off. So's I'm working the night shift. An' the night shift is usually quiet. Well, I get here an' there's no one around. I's mean the night shift is quiet but it ain't this quiet. So's I know something ain't right and I's says “Hey, anyone here?” No answer. Now I'm creeped out. I start lookin' around and find LD-44 and LD-39 in the horror section. That's what this was. An absolute horror!

Anakin: Sorry, I got here as quick as I could.

Obi-Wan: LD-26, this is my padawan Anakin Skywalker. Anakin, this is the droid who found them. Thank you, LD-26. We'll contact you if we need to ask any more questions.

LD-26: I hope you find the maniac who did this. No librarian droid is safe until you do.

Anakin: We'll do what we can. [LD-26 exits] Do you know what happened, Master?

Obi-Wan: No, we should see what our contacts in The Works know. It's likely that these droids were destroyed for parts.

Anakin: But why not take the whole droid? Whoever did this left behind some very valuable parts.

Obi-Wan: Do you have a better place to start?

Anakin: … No.

Obi-Wan: Then we go to The Works. At least it's a place to start.

DUN-DUN

SERV-O-DROID, INC

GRUNGEON BLOCK, THE WORKS, CORUSCANT

Obi-Wan: Can we talk to whoever is in charge here?

Secretary Droid: Who's asking?

Obi-Wan: I'm Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and this is my padawan Anakin Skywalker. We're investigating an attack on a couple of droids at the library this evening. They were manufactured by your company and we'd like some information about the models.

Secretary Droid: Yeah, hold on. [picks up phone] Darth... I mean Mister Jones, there's a couple of Jedi Knights here to see you... Okay. [to Obi-Wan] You can go right in and see him.

Obi-Wan: Thank you. [He and Anakin enter Darth, I mean Mr. Jones' office] Mr. Jones, I'm-

Anakin: I got this one. We're here investigating a droid attack and the theft of parts from these droids. I'm Jedi Knight-

Obi-Wan: Jedi Apprentice.

Anakin: Whatever. Anakin Skywalker and this is my partner-

Obi-Wan: Master.

Anakin: Whatever. Obi-Wan Kenobi. The point is we're Jedi Knights and we want some anwsers.

Obi-Wan: Anakin, I'll handle this. Would you mind answering some questions?

Mr. Jones: Of course not. Ask anything you'd like. You'll find that we here at Serv-O-Droid have nothing to hide.

Obi-Wan: Have you or anyone on your staff ever stolen parts from droids you have already sold so you could save money and reuse the parts?

Mr. Jones: No.

Anakin: LIAR! He's lying. I can sense it.

Obi-Wan: Anakin! You must control your anger. Anger leads to hate...

Anakin: I know! But he's lying! He's lying liar scum! I bet he sells death sticks to younglings!

Mr. Jones: We run an honest business here.

Anakin: I know you destroyed those droids! Tell the truth before I bust a laser in your punk ass!

Obi-Wan: Anakin, wait outside!

Anakin: You can't tell me what to do!

Obi-Wan: Yes, I can. Now wait outside. [Anakin exits] Mr. Jones, word is going to get out to your other droids about this attack. And maybe someone will start the rumor that it is you who is stealing parts to sell again. There are more of them than there are of you. So tell me what you know.

Mr. Jones: I don't know nothing.

Obi-Wan: Oh, yes you do. We both know that it's you. You're guilty and we will find the evidence eventually. And when we find the evidence, we're going to arrest you. And we're going to find the most inconvenient time to arrest you in public. We'll wait until it's a crowded day at the office or until you receive an award for Businessman of the Year or your daughter's wedding. Something really humiliating. So just confess now.

Mr. Jones: Did the Coruscant Chamber of Commerce tell you that I'm going to be businessman of the Year?

Obi-Wan: No. That was just an example.

Mr. Jones: My daughter is getting married in two weeks... My wife would kill me if I ruined that wedding... I still have nothing to say about those two librarian droids being attacked tonight.

Obi-Wan: I never said they were librarian droids.

Mr. Jones: I must have heard you mention it to my secretary.

Obi-Wan: All I said to her was that the attack occurred at the library.

Mr. Jones: Damn.

DUN-DUN

JEDI TEMPLE

SENATE DISTRICT, GALACTIC CITY, CORUSCANT

Yoda: Mr. Jones, For Droid Assault and Theft, two years sentenced you are.

Mr. Jones: Wait, I'd like to make a deal. I have information. Information about the Sith.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

DICK WOLF

Because My Lists Go to 11: Top 11 Songs from When I Still Listened to the Radio

While discussing songs from the late 1990s and early 2000s the other day, I decided to compile a list of the best songs from that time period which could probably best be described as “when I still listened to the radio” or my preteen years. Now, these are my opinions so you may disagree but this is my list and I am always right.

Let me see if I can remember the last time I listened to the radio when I was not in a car with a broken CD player. I guess that would be 2002. Those late 90s and early 2000s were crazy. Man, I would sit there with a cassette tape and record songs off of the radio so I could listen to them on my Walkman when I walked or rollerbladed to 7-11 to buy War Heads. Remember those times? No? Okay, I'll try to use a modern reference. It was like illegally downloading music to your mp3 player except it took hours and sometimes you recorded parts of the commercials by accident and at least one song would get cut off at the end or when you had to flip the cassette over. Good Times.

Besides the radio and my mixed tapes, this was back in a time when MTV still showed music videos or at least part of music videos. And a time when Carson Daly was slightly more tolerable. Or I was just less critical. Or stupider. Possibly all three. It seems so long ago and yet so recent at the same time.

So here is me looking back at my music choices during my preteen years. Children, back in those days we weren't tweens. We were preteens. I thought it sounded condescending at the time and then someone invented the word “tween.” Anyway, let's get to some pop songs that have stood the test of time. Thanks to YouTube at least.

11. Aaron's Party (Come Get It) (2000) - Aaron Carter

Now I am an extremely narcissistic person. I freely admit that because by telling people that I am narcissistic, I get to talk about myself a little longer. Despite this fact, I do not believe that my first single would actually have my own name in the title. But somehow this was a time period that gave us lots of songs with the pop star or group's name in the title and it was usually one of their first big hits. Maybe this was clever. People will always remember your name because the only song they can remember has your name in it. Also, less people will cover it unless they cover it ironically or their name is Aaron. It just seems a little too narcissistic. I think I would only cover songs that have the singer or group's name in them. Look for my album Hey, Hey, Sarah's Back (All Right) for Sarah's Party Cause There Ain't No Party Like a Sarah Club Party. Also, this song was during that period of time when people used the word “fly” non-ironically to say that things were cool and “honey” to describe girls to which they were not acquainted (see also #4).

I felt the need to have an Aaron Carter song on this list. I know some of you are saying, “But, why not include That's How I Beat Shaq instead of this one?” And you know, I asked myself the same question. I said to myself, “Kyle (I call myself Kyle), why Aaron's Party?” And I came up with some very good reasons. As previously stated, it represents all of the narcissistic songs of this time. Also, I felt the need to include this song because of it's sheer awfulness, because Aaron Carter wears a fur coat and name drops Nike. Also, there's a good lesson in this song. He may be the flyest kid on the block now but he is also grounded. There are consequences, children. So why an Aaron Carter song at all? Because Aaron Carter was the cause of the Lindsay Lohan - Hilary Duff feud. That feud lasted longer than his singing career. I was Team Lindsay but that was before we started designating which side we were on by saying “I'm Team [insert name].” We just said, “I'm on Lindsay's side” or "I hate Hilary Duff." Anyway, here's a little bit of old school for you that goes something like this...

10. Genie in a Bottle – Christina Aguilera

I wasn't really an MTV watcher so I saw most of my music videos on the Disney Channel. This was still when the Disney Channel did not want to be associated with smut (see my previous rant) so they would show censored versions of some music videos. This was one of them. “I'm a genie in a bottle, baby. You've got to treat me the right way.” Um, that messes up the whole metaphor. In fact, it might make it worse. So, you're a genie in the bottle and you ask to be treated the right way. Perhaps the person who finds the bottle, some would say your master, takes into consideration that you want to be treated the right way. However, you never indicate whether they are to treat you the right way or if they are to treat the bottle the right way. Keep in mind they have not met you the genie yet just the genie bottle. Said bottle finder master might just try to protect the bottle from breaking. And there you are stuck in the bottle because you did not ask to be rubbed the right way. From what I hear, 10,000 years in a lamp will give you such a crick in the neck. I understand that there are sexual connotations behind “rub me the right way.” I understand this now. I was unaware of this when I was 11. A recurring theme for most of the songs on this list is that I knew the words but I never really listened to them. I didn't understand what the song was trying to say. All I knew was that I was supposed to like the song.

9. Bootylicious (2001) – Destiny's Child

Baby, can you handle this? I don't think you can handle this. But I'm wrong sometimes* so who really knows. As someone with a large behind, this song did tons for my self confidence. Sure, this song gets super irritating after hearing it once. But, still, I listened to it over and over and danced to it with my friends. I guess this song does have some cultural significance by giving us the word “bootylicious.” Other than that, I got nothing. You know, besides the whole giving me self confidence to accept the fact that having a big butt was okay.

*False. I am always right.

8. I'm a Slave 4 U (2001) – Britney Spears

I know. I was totally going to pick a different Britney song but this one seemed... important. Go ahead. Laugh. Are you done? Good. Let me explain. This song is off of her third album Britney. You may recall that this was when Britney started to get edgier. You know, no more pigtails and school girl uniforms or proper spelling. This was around the same time that Christina, sorry, I mean Xtina released “Dirrty.” Notice the extra “r.” She means business. Spelling is for pussies. Edgy chicks are all about misspelling and replacing words with numbers or a single letter. Back to Brit Brit. At this time, she was not a girl, not yet a woman. To go with her edgier, more mature attitude, Britney chose to wear a thong on top of her jeans in this music video. We should have known that something was wrong then. Britney told us that she was a dancing slave. She won't deny it. She was not trying to hide it. She also danced onstage with a python during the 2001 Video Music Awards. Probably against her will since she's a dancing slave. How could we not see her cry for help through this song? I might be misinterpreting. But what the hell? Who cares?

7. Blue (Da Ba Dee) (1999) - Eiffel 65

I know that there are plenty of songs written now that make little to no sense but what was it about 1999 that made it the year of the completely nonsensical song (see also #4)? Well, it does state that it's a song about a guy who lives in a blue world where everything is blue and then proceeds to list things that are blue in this world which if you recall from earlier in this sentence is everything. Everything is blue. My cousin's husband was convinced that the chorus of this song was “I'm blue. I want to die.” Whatever, it had a good beat and you could dance to it. Or you know, stand awkwardly against the wall during grade school sock hops. Whichever.

6. Ms. Jackson (2001) – OutKast

This one right here goes out to all the baby mamas' mamas. This was another one of those songs that I knew but didn't really listen to the lyrics. That did not stop us from singing it. Really, we didn't sing it so much as walk around school and just sing, “I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson. I am for real” over and over. When it comes down to it, this song is awesome for both apologizing to Ms. Jackson and essentially calling her a hateful bitch. Yeah, I think she will totally accept your trillion apologies and your friendly reminder that her grandchild is a baby and not, like she previously thought, a paycheck.

5. No Scrubs (1999) – TLC

What is a scrub? Scrub: [skruhb] -noun 1. a guy who thinks he's fly, always talking about what he wants and sits on his broke ass. 2. a guy that can get no love from me, hanging out the passenger's side of his best friend's ride trying to holler at me. Synonyms: busta, deadbeat ass.

It's not bad advice. If his life is going nowhere, then don't get with him. How easily some of us have forgotten this lesson. Not me. Other people. Anyway, it needed to be included because I remember walking around as an 11 year old singing this. Also, TLC is important. They did R&B. They did pop. Left Eye rapped. She did not attempt to rap like some people (see #11). She rapped. And they were hugely successful.

4. Summer Girls (1999) – LFO

Apparently LFO released more than two songs. I was unaware. Apparently, their song 6 Seconds was covered by the Jonas Brothers. I am happy to say I have never heard either version of this song but will probably go youtube it right now. It doesn't really matter because Summer Girls is the best LFO song. It really is just a series of true statements with some random crap thrown in there. New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits. True. Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets. True. Macauly Culkin was in Home Alone. True. Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton. True.

The real important information is what the lead singer tells us about himself. He said his name was Rich and Wikipedia tells me that this is true. He likes Kevin Bacon but he hates Footloose. This seems plausible. I mean Footloose is kind of overrated. We also know that Chinese food makes him sick and that he will steal your honey like he stole your bike. I'll just assume those are true since I can not verify them myself. Perhaps you think it is silly that I'm going through all this but you are wrong. This is the exact kind of crap you need to remember forever. You know that someday when the Final Jeopardy category is “90s Nonsensical Pop Songs,” Alex Trebek will ask you “In which song does the singer vow to steal yo honey like he stole yo bike?” And you will be happy that you listened to this song and know the answer. And you will long for that summer, that summer when Summer Girls played on the radio. You'll miss it like the color purple, macaroni and cheese, ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees. Seriously. I can not make this crap up.

What confuses me is exactly what summer is he singing about? Possibly sometime in the 80s after New Edition released Candy Girl in 1983 and after Footloose was released in 1984. It seems most likely that he is referring to the summer of 1989 seeing as how that would have been when NKOTB were really popular and Family Ties would have just gone off the air that May. But Home Alone did not come out until November of 1990. So is he singing about the summer of 1991? Is he singing about a collection of summer's that he now remembers as one summer? Does this song comment on how we look back on happier times but our memories of those times are not accurate? Am I overthinking this?

3. Wannabe (1996) – Spice Girls

First of all, is this song really almost 14 years old? Am I doing this math wrong? Because that seems too long ago. Next question: Am I just getting that old? Second of all, looking up the lyrics now, this song makes some sense. It's totally a product of 90s Girl Power. Or is 90s Girl Power totally a product of this? Either way, I'm totally a product of 90s Girl Power. But my younger self did not analyze the lyrics because it had a nice beat and you could dance to it. Okay. I'll give you that “zig-a-zig-ahh” makes no sense. But let's face it, “you have got to give” is some pretty decent relationship advice. Taking is too easy but that's the way it is. And who has not had a friendship strained because friends don't get along with the significant other? Obviously every relationship should be based on this model.

I can't embed this one so I'll just link.

2. My Heart Will Go On (1997) – Celine Dion

This song won Grammys, a Golden Globe and an Oscar. It was also occasionally played on the radio all the time. As a nine year old, I felt I truly understood this song. I felt Celine's pain as she sang this emotional ballad. But that was mostly because I would pound my chest at the same time as she would. I do not know how she could do that so often. This song defined a generation. I do not know how it defined that generation but it totally did. Admit it you know every word to this song. You might think that you do not but you do. It was ingrained in you twelve years ago and it will always be there. This song can touch us one time and last for a lifetime and never let go 'til we're one. Too much?

1. I Want It That Way (1999) – Backstreet Boys

This song is one of the greatest songs ever. Ever. This could be my bias because I am a huge BSB fan. I follow them on twitter. I went to their concert two summers ago which was amazing especially when everyone was singing I Want It That Way. I was once banished from the lunch table in 6^th grade because I had a BSB pen and everyone else were NSYNC fans. Tensions were running high due to the anticipation of No Strings Attached. I refused to stop using my pen and I was banished. It lasted about a week. Maybe it was just a day. I don't remember the details.

While I am a huge BSB fan, this is not my favorite song of theirs. That would be Shape of My Heart. But I Want It That Way was everywhere in 1999. It's probably one of the first songs, if not the first song, you think about when you think of 1990s boy bands which I'm sure you do a lot. For this reason, it is number one on this list.

So, I want it that way and you want it that way but we are two worlds apart so we can't be together, I guess. Has someone made a fan video with this song about the Doctor and Rose? Well, whatever. I love this song and if I had to pick one song to define my preteen years, this would be it.

Final tally of songs on this list that use the word “fly:” 4