Law & Jedi Order: Coruscant Force Force

Law & Jedi Order: Coruscant Force Force
Episode I

On Coruscant, the political center of the galaxy, the city which encompasses the entire planet is protected by two powerful yet incompetent Jedi Knights: Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and his padawan Anakin “Ani” Skywalker. These are their stories.

DUN-DUN

HOME OF JEDI APPRENTICE ANAKIN SKYWALKER AND SENATOR PADME AMIDALA-SKYWALKER

SENATE DISTRICT, GALACTIC CITY, CORUSCANT

Anakin: You're so beautiful.

Padme: I'm only beautiful because I love you.

Anakin: It's because I love you.

Padme: No, it's because I love you, Ani.

Anakin: No, it isn't.

Padme: Yes, it is.

Anakin: No, it's because... hold on. I've got to take this it's Obi-Wan. [A little hologram of Obi-Wan appears] What is thy bidding, my master?

Obi-Wan: I thought I told you to stop saying that, Ani.

Anakin: And I thought I told you to stop calling me Ani.

Obi-Wan: Fair enough. You need to get down to the library now. It seems someone has broken several librarian droids. Yoda wants us to investigate.

Anakin: Can't this wait? I'm in the middle of something.

Obi-Wan: No. Yoda wants us to investigate now. He thinks it might have been an inside job.

Anakin: Okay. I'll meet you there as soon as I can. [Obi-Wan's hologram disappears] Padme, can we finish this argument later?

Padme: Fine. I wish we wouldn't argue so much.

Anakin: We only argue because I love you.

Padme: No, it's because I love you.

Anakin: Yeah, that's why. Look, I really have to go now.

Padme: I love you.

Anakin: You said that already.

Padme: It's because I love you so much.

Anakin: Right. I'll be home later.

DUN-DUN

CORUSCANT LIBRARY

GALACTIC CITY, CORUSCANT

Obi-Wan: [examining the broken droids] Tell me again what happened.

LD-26: [inexplicably chewing gum] Ya see, I normally work the afternoon shift but I's switched with LD-44 cause she needed the night off. So's I'm working the night shift. An' the night shift is usually quiet. Well, I get here an' there's no one around. I's mean the night shift is quiet but it ain't this quiet. So's I know something ain't right and I's says “Hey, anyone here?” No answer. Now I'm creeped out. I start lookin' around and find LD-44 and LD-39 in the horror section. That's what this was. An absolute horror!

Anakin: Sorry, I got here as quick as I could.

Obi-Wan: LD-26, this is my padawan Anakin Skywalker. Anakin, this is the droid who found them. Thank you, LD-26. We'll contact you if we need to ask any more questions.

LD-26: I hope you find the maniac who did this. No librarian droid is safe until you do.

Anakin: We'll do what we can. [LD-26 exits] Do you know what happened, Master?

Obi-Wan: No, we should see what our contacts in The Works know. It's likely that these droids were destroyed for parts.

Anakin: But why not take the whole droid? Whoever did this left behind some very valuable parts.

Obi-Wan: Do you have a better place to start?

Anakin: … No.

Obi-Wan: Then we go to The Works. At least it's a place to start.

DUN-DUN

SERV-O-DROID, INC

GRUNGEON BLOCK, THE WORKS, CORUSCANT

Obi-Wan: Can we talk to whoever is in charge here?

Secretary Droid: Who's asking?

Obi-Wan: I'm Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and this is my padawan Anakin Skywalker. We're investigating an attack on a couple of droids at the library this evening. They were manufactured by your company and we'd like some information about the models.

Secretary Droid: Yeah, hold on. [picks up phone] Darth... I mean Mister Jones, there's a couple of Jedi Knights here to see you... Okay. [to Obi-Wan] You can go right in and see him.

Obi-Wan: Thank you. [He and Anakin enter Darth, I mean Mr. Jones' office] Mr. Jones, I'm-

Anakin: I got this one. We're here investigating a droid attack and the theft of parts from these droids. I'm Jedi Knight-

Obi-Wan: Jedi Apprentice.

Anakin: Whatever. Anakin Skywalker and this is my partner-

Obi-Wan: Master.

Anakin: Whatever. Obi-Wan Kenobi. The point is we're Jedi Knights and we want some anwsers.

Obi-Wan: Anakin, I'll handle this. Would you mind answering some questions?

Mr. Jones: Of course not. Ask anything you'd like. You'll find that we here at Serv-O-Droid have nothing to hide.

Obi-Wan: Have you or anyone on your staff ever stolen parts from droids you have already sold so you could save money and reuse the parts?

Mr. Jones: No.

Anakin: LIAR! He's lying. I can sense it.

Obi-Wan: Anakin! You must control your anger. Anger leads to hate...

Anakin: I know! But he's lying! He's lying liar scum! I bet he sells death sticks to younglings!

Mr. Jones: We run an honest business here.

Anakin: I know you destroyed those droids! Tell the truth before I bust a laser in your punk ass!

Obi-Wan: Anakin, wait outside!

Anakin: You can't tell me what to do!

Obi-Wan: Yes, I can. Now wait outside. [Anakin exits] Mr. Jones, word is going to get out to your other droids about this attack. And maybe someone will start the rumor that it is you who is stealing parts to sell again. There are more of them than there are of you. So tell me what you know.

Mr. Jones: I don't know nothing.

Obi-Wan: Oh, yes you do. We both know that it's you. You're guilty and we will find the evidence eventually. And when we find the evidence, we're going to arrest you. And we're going to find the most inconvenient time to arrest you in public. We'll wait until it's a crowded day at the office or until you receive an award for Businessman of the Year or your daughter's wedding. Something really humiliating. So just confess now.

Mr. Jones: Did the Coruscant Chamber of Commerce tell you that I'm going to be businessman of the Year?

Obi-Wan: No. That was just an example.

Mr. Jones: My daughter is getting married in two weeks... My wife would kill me if I ruined that wedding... I still have nothing to say about those two librarian droids being attacked tonight.

Obi-Wan: I never said they were librarian droids.

Mr. Jones: I must have heard you mention it to my secretary.

Obi-Wan: All I said to her was that the attack occurred at the library.

Mr. Jones: Damn.

DUN-DUN

JEDI TEMPLE

SENATE DISTRICT, GALACTIC CITY, CORUSCANT

Yoda: Mr. Jones, For Droid Assault and Theft, two years sentenced you are.

Mr. Jones: Wait, I'd like to make a deal. I have information. Information about the Sith.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

DICK WOLF

Dear George Lucas, We need to talk about something called feminism.

Dear George Lucas,

I have taken issue with some of the female characters in your movies. As a concerned movie viewer, I feel the need to bring these issues to your attention.

First of all, I must say that Marion Ravenwood is an awesome character... in Raiders of the Lost Ark. She's not Abner's little girl anymore. She owns that bar and pretty much can drink anyone under the table. She's independent and strong minded as evidenced by her frequent yelling at Indiana Jones. In Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, well, she drives a truck. That's it. She drives a truck while Indiana and Mutt fight communists. Why must you take my childhood and punch it in the face? I wanted a kick ass Marion Ravenwood and you gave me a truck driver.

Now that doesn't change the fact that she was kick ass in Raiders so I'll give you a point for Marion Ravenwood. But that point is quickly taken away by Willie Scott in Temple of Doom. Stupid, shrieking Willie. You make me want to like her. Temple of Doom starts with her singing "Anything Goes" in Chinese. From there, she's completely helpless. Short Round is more useful. Let me repeat that again. Short Round, a young orphan, is more useful than a grown woman. She shrieks and cries over bugs and elephants and dirt and pretty much everything else she encounters. I'm not saying I would be much better, but I would definitely be better than that. So, for giving us Willie in Temple of Doom, you lose the point for giving us Marion Ravenwood. In fact, I'm taking away another point because I hate Willie that much.

I'm going to ignore the Nazi sympathizer in Last Crusade because she's pretty forgettable. As for the Communist in Crystal Skull, I'll give you a point for making a woman the main antagonist. Yay for equal opportunity villainy. Congratulations, your point total is now zero.

Let's talk Princess Leia. She was my childhood hero. She's still my hero. She's a bit like Marion or I guess Marion is a bit like her. Sure, they get kidnapped and held hostage but they ultimately help save the day. Leia strangled Jabba with the chain that he used to enslave her while wearing a gold bikini. That's talent. Leia is sarcastic, independent and a princess. That's pretty much what I wanted to be when I grew up. Heck, that's what I still want to be if it comes with a good health care plan. I love Princess Leia. I will give you a point for each movie in the original trilogy. Because I'm feeling generous, I'll also give you a point for the Star Wars Holiday Special, but I understand if you don't want it.

Leia's adopted mother must have been amazing because her biological mother was an absolute idiot. I was super excited for Phantom Menace and Queen Amidala. I bought the action figure before the movie came out. I had the Taco Bell collector's cup which I used instead of collecting. I did not dress up like Queen Amidala for Halloween that year but that's more because I'm lazy and have dressed up like a witch every year since I was 6 until this year when I dressed up as... wait for it... a Star Fleet officer. Yeah. I said it. Star Trek is the movie that broke my lazy streak, not Star Wars. Okay, let me air my grievances about Queen/Senator Padme Amidala Skywalker. This is where I believe most of your crimes against feminism lie.

Let me get this straight. Padme Amidala became queen when she was fourteen. Are there no child labor laws on Naboo? Furthermore, she was elected queen when she was fourteen? I can see two possible reasons that this would happen. 1. The only person who cast a vote in the election was Jar Jar Binks or 2. The position of queen is automatically filled by the winner of the Miss Teen Naboo pageant. I was eleven when I first saw Phantom Menace. I could not wait to be a teenager and have crazy adventures and become queen of some planet. I had very real expectations. You know what my greatest accomplishment was when I was fourteen? I graduated from 8th grade. No one gave me my own planet to rule. Which was probably a good thing since I was mostly concerned with boys and finding rides to the mall. Yeah. I was one of those girls. Maybe if I'd had better role models in movies...

I can excuse most of Phantom Menace because she was a stupid teenager. She's just stupid in Attack of the Clones. I guess Anakin and Padme are supposed to have this great love story. I know great love stories. I watch soap operas. I also know bad love stories. I watch soap operas. Anakin and Padme had a bad love story. He was a total creeper. She even says, "Don't look at me like that. It makes me uncomfortable." Was that supposed to be her way of saying, "Ours is a forbidden love so you can't look at me like that." Because what I heard was, "Ani, someone is trying to assassinate me but you're the one I would consider my stalker right now." And still, they frolic together in the fields of Naboo and go to Tatooine to find his mother. And really, Padme, really? You see how he reacts to his mothers death and you still love him? He tells you he slaughtered them all. Women. Children. None of this sets off an alarm to run far away? Okay, George Lucas, I understand that Padme comforting Anakin over his mother's death is suppose to bring them together. I understand that. But still it seems more like those women who fall in love with men on death row. Anakin has obvious rage issues and you know the drill: anger leads to hate etc. Clearly, marriage is the best solution. Does this story sound familiar? It should because this is how every Lifetime movie begins. Minus one point for that dysfunctional relationship. Minus another point because the dialogue in Lifetime movies is better than the dialogue in Attack of the Clones.

And finally, Revenge of the Sith. Best part of this movie hands down was Padme saying to evil Anakin after he killed the younglings, "You're breaking my heart, Ani." Hysterical. I can no longer hear about broken hearts without laughing. It is important to note that "Achy Breaky Heart" couldn't do this to me, but Revenge of the Sith did. Okay, we all knew that Padme was going to die somehow. I figured her death would send Anakin over the edge, but he was pretty far gone already. How's she going to die, I wondered. Will the Emperor kill her? Will Anakin? Obviously, she will have an awesome death. Um, wait... what? She loses the will to live or dies from a broken heart or whatever lame excuse you used? I mean why would Padme have a reason to live? Her husband is evil therefore she should die. It's not like she just bore twins or anything. Do you see how this steps all over feminism? She has no life without Anakin. Shakespeare tried this crap and I didn't buy it then. Minus a point for each child she basically orphaned by losing the will to live.

So you're back to zero points and so ends my rant. I need to look on the bright side. At least you had nothing to do with Sex and the City which repeatedly kicked feminism in the face with a stiletto. I give you half of a point for that. I just want better female characters in my favorite space opera. Is that too much to ask?

Sincerely,
Sarah