A Brief History of (My Time on) Facebook

I have recently been thinking about how Facebook has changed since I began using it. We all talk about the differences but since I have lots of time on my hands, I'm going to detail the changes. A special thanks to the "Criticism of Facebook" Wikipedia article. I could not do this post without you.

Wikipedia tells me that Facebook started in February of 2004. It was originally limited to only Harvard students but that's irrelevant because I did not attend Harvard. In fact, I was still in high school. I heard about Facebook from my brother Paul. You see, Mark Zuckerberg's sister went to the University of Chicago so they were one of the first colleges to be on Facebook after Harvard. It should also be noted that at some point in 2004 or 2005, my brother was kicked off of Facebook because the name License to Funk: The Paul B. Story was not acceptable. This is no joke. So at first, Facebook was for college students while teenagers, common folk and emo kids were on MySpace.

In September of 2005, after opening Facebook up to gradually more colleges and then all colleges, a high school version of Facebook was created. High schools with email addresses were added. You need to understand that few high schools in 2005 had email accounts. Fortunately for me, my high school had decided to get all tech savvy and we had email. I joined my high school's network on Facebook and there were literally 12 of us in it. I might even be overestimating that. So, I had an account but never really used it. Apparently, college Facebook and high school Facebook were combined in February of 2006 according to Wikipedia. Honestly, I did not notice. Wikipedia also tells me that some college students did not like this and felt Facebook was no longer exclusive. I laugh at this. It was still somewhat exclusive. I bet you wish for the good ole days when it was just college and high school students.

When I went to college in August of 2006, I joined my college's network and started using Facebook obsessively as a legitimate college student just in time for Facebook to open up to everyone the next month. Facebook was open to anyone but it still remained mostly college and high school students. Most of the people who joined that were not college or high school students were people who were college age but did not go to college. It made sense. Around the same time came the stalker feed. I mean the news feed. It told us everything we never knew we didn't want to know. People protested through Facebook groups. Those first few days, pretty much everyone's news feed was filled with So and So joined the group 1 Million Strong Against the News Feed. many people commented on their own penis. It was the first Facebook controversy that I can remember. People got down right hostile about it. Then, Mark Zuckerberg apologized and explained how we could set privacy features so not everything we did appeared in the news feed. People seemed satisfied enough with this.

Facebook still had the college and high school networks and with the addition of everyone to Facebook, regional networks were added. I joined the Chicago network and now was in three networks. Pretty much anyone I wanted to Facebook stalk was in one of my three networks. So I could stalk these people within my networks without being their friend. It was amazing. Few people set their profiles to private. If their profile was private, they obviously were hiding something. Most people were fine sharing information with people within their networks. And no one seemed to care what pictures they posted. I mean, there was always one sober person who documented the craziness and then posted the pictures of their drunk friends. Totally amazing, right? Since it was mostly college students, there was no reason to have any other kind of pictures.

Wikipedia tells me that albums were originally limited to 60 photos. I swear it was only 40 photos but perhaps I was misinformed. Now, the limit is apparently 200 photos per album (since May 2009). That seems unnecessary. Especially since the number of photos I've uploaded has decreased greatly in the last few years. Perhaps this will be helpful to me someday when I get married and upload every single picture to Facebook and then have lots of babies and post 200 pictures of my newborn spawn. I kid. I will never do that. I promise. If I do, you have permission to defriend me.

The next big change for Facebook came in May 2007 with the introduction of applications. I like applications just fine. I enjoy my Colbert Report application. I became obsessed with Flair. There are a few other applications that I have but don't really use. Some people became obsessed with applications and quite frankly, it interfered with my Facebook stalking of them. It became unbelievably annoying when I wanted to see what people said on their wall and I would have to scroll down forever to get to their wall.

This was an interesting time on Facebook. A time when people still needed to adapt their status update to begin with [insert name] is.... You had to give credit to the people who tried (ie. Sarah is wondering why it is so hot in her room). Some people didn't even make an attempt (ie. Sarah is OMG!!!1! Why is it so hot in here?) And some people used the first person along with the third person (ie. Sarah is wondering why it is so hot in my room). I assume that old Facebook status updates made English majors cry. I assume that most Facebook status updates still make English majors cry. Well, people wanted the "is" to be removed from status updates. Again, people created Facebook groups to protest. In December 2007, this wish was granted. Victory for all Facebook users. Free at last to use whatever verb we wanted in our status.

In the summer of 2008 when Facebook gave the option to use the "new" Facebook, I chose to stick with the Facebook that I knew. Then, I was forced to use this "new" Facebook. There were tabs, the wall and mini feed joined together and there was this little box that I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to write there. I just didn't like the change. I know that Facebook went out of their way to prepare me for this change, but I still did not like. Some people joined groups to protest but I was too lazy. I got over it. But I complained a lot.

I'm not really remembering anything huge happening throughout most of 2009 except that everyone and their mother joined Facebook. When Paul refused my mother's friend request, she said "You're dead to me." I kid you not. In November or December, Facebook changed the privacy settings because networks were getting too big or something like that. So basically, networks mean nothing any more and most everyone has their profile set to private. Way to make Facebook stalking difficult, Facebook. It's not like I'm a crazy person. I only stalked people I knew but didn't even like enough to be Facebook friends. I'm nosy, that's all.

And then, there was yesterday when I checked Facebook then went to class for 2 hours and was welcomed to the "new and improved" Facebook home page. It was easy for me to ignore notifications when they were at the bottom of the page but now they stare me in the face in the upper left corner. Stop changing, Facebook. You didn't add anything really. Everything is just in a different place. I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Facebook. I'm like a trained monkey. Most of what I do, I don't think about. When something changes slightly, it throws me off. I'll get used to Facebook again but give me at least a couple months before you change it again.

Facebook really is a lot different then when I started using it. There is so much more to do on there and yet I use it a lot less. I don't know. Maybe I have less time to spend on there. Maybe I don't have as many people to talk to on there (the turn over rate on my friends is suprisingly high). Or maybe all the changes have taken the fun out of Facebook. It was distinctly college. I used it to look up people in my classes. I would look at the drunken pictures that were posted the day after a crazy party. I actually cared about who was in a relationship with whom and whether it was complicated or not. You know, important things like that. Now, everyone has family photos and wedding photos and pictures of their children. It just saddens me to see how much it has changed. Facebook seemed like a rite of passage. Now, my mom farms on Facebook.

My Advice to College Freshmen

Throughout my three and a half years of college, I've learned a lot. No, not that kind of learning, silly. I go to a liberal arts college. I've learned a lot about college. If nothing else comes from my college experience besides a degree that won't get me a job, I can at least spread my wisdom on to future generations.

When I started college, I felt I was not prepared. I'd heard stories and gotten advice from people but it did not help at all. Now, I know why it did not help. Because they were lying. Everyone, except me, is going to lie to you about college. Why? They can not find a job that requires their degree and start applying to various service positions . They do not want to compete with you for the job so they send you to college for four years with fairy tales that they have created in the hours of free time they have between writing cover letters and going to job interviews.

I promise I'm not lying to you. I want to help you. I know what you're thinking- "But you admittedly fail at life. Why should I listen to you?" Because the best advice on how to succeed comes from a failure. Ask someone who is successful how they did it. They'll say something like "I prayed and trusted in God" or "With lots of support from my family" or "I was lucky" or "lots of hard work and determination." I call bologna on all these responses. I've failed and can tell you how not to fail. And if you don't fail, then you succeed. It's sound logic. You're welcome.


Myth: It's all right to be undecided about your major when you are a freshman.

Truth: Choose your major by the end of the first semester of freshman year at the latest.

They are going to tell you that it's natural to remain undecided in your freshman year. Um, no. First day of classes, every other freshman you meet will tell you their chosen major, minor and/or double major, and where they are going to go to grad school in four years. You're still trying to decide whether chicken or beef is your favorite flavor of ramen.

If you don't choose your major by the end of fall semester freshman year, you are so totally screwed. There is always going to be a course you should have taken but didn't that was only offered your first semester or you won't be able to get enough credits in your major/minor or something. It's a known fact that the only thing that all the offices and departments in colleges communicate about is how to screw over students.

Myth: Never put a paper off until the night before it is due.

Truth: Always put a paper off until the night/morning before it is due.

Professors will tell you that there is no way to finish this paper the night before. It is not possible. You will fail. People have tried and they have failed. Except, people have tried and they've done just fine. You see, most students believe that this is a warning from the professor. It's not. It's a challenge. It's impossible to finish this paper the night before and get a good grade? I'll show you, Professor. Just think how impressed they will be that you were able to write something that brilliant in one night. They will have new found respect for you. They will want you to give them advice about writing papers. Also, you get to use the old "I have to write this 10 page paper that's due tomorrow" as an excuse to get out of floor meetings or hanging out with the crazy person down the hall or talking to your parents on the phone.

To be fair, the maximum you can do the night before is 10-12 pages. Possibly 15 pages if you're really good and don't require sleep.

Myth: Real college students drink every night especially on the nights before big papers are due (see above).

Truth: There will be little to no time to drink. Also, Thirsty Thursdays are for douchebags.

Real college students do not drink every night unless they are alcoholics. Lots of college students drink over the weekend. A good number drink on Thursday nights. We call those people douchebags. Well, not everyone who drinks on Thursday is a douche but most are. The people who still have classes on Friday but drink on Thursday night anyway are total douches. The people who have parties on Thursday nights because they don't have class on Friday but fail to take into consideration that other people on the floor might have class and not want drunk people being all kinds of obnoxious right outside their door are complete douchebags. The people who when drunk on any night of the week decide that the funnest thing in the whole world would be to set off a fire extinguisher or punch holes in the walls are equal parts complete douchebag and total asshat. Do not be these people.

Myth: High school sucked and college will be so much better.

Truth: High school sucked, college is more of the same suckiness and chances are real life is not better.

This myth will not die. First, we're told that high school is the best time of your life. Half way through high school, they finally let us in on the joke that that was a lie. But don't worry. College is really the best time of your life. We are total suckers for believing their lies again.

I enjoyed high school but would not say it was the best time of my life. At least, I hope that was not the best time of my life. There was a lot of unnecessary drama among my group of friends. People needed to mature and the consensus seemed to be that people would stop being immature once they entered college. False. People who were immature in high school stay immature in college. It's also likely that they will have access to alcohol (see above).

Immaturity + alcohol = unnecessary drama

College is like high school but worse because you are paying lots of money to be there. Also, your stupidity is documented on Facebook. But I guess that point is moot because everyone is on Facebook and networks don't matter anymore. I think most people stopped posting drunk pictures from frat parties when their grandma friended them on Facebook.

Myth: You will learn so much from hearing other students' opinions.

Truth: Most people's opinions are wrong and you will learn nothing from them.

Just because someone is in college does not mean they are smart or enlightened. But because they are in college, they believe that everything they say is brilliant. Anyone who thinks they are saying something that is brilliant is not saying anything that is worth hearing. They will think that what you have to say is stupid and that you are the most ignorant person in the world. You will not care at all. You just want to take a nap. You have three options to get out of this situation: 1) Debate them. Eventually one of you will run out of things to say. Or someone else will join the debate and you can leave while they are distracted. 2) Nod your head as though you agree and leave while they are patting themselves on the back for converting you over to their side. 3) Punch them in the face. Wait a moment as everyone around you applauds. Then leave.

Myth: All your college/ university cares about is giving you a good education.

Truth: All they want is your money and will sacrifice your education to get it.

When you go for a campus visit or when you go to orientation, everyone who gets paid by the university will tell you how education is the most important thing and everyone there is there to make sure that you get the best education. They may even throw around phrases like "affordable education." They know that this is what your parents want to hear. They know that this is what the Tracy Flicks of the world want to hear. The thing is, it's not true.

Your university worships money. Sure, they will give you an education in exchange for thousands of dollars. If this were a MasterCard commercial, they would say that a good education is priceless. But colleges and universities around the world have managed to put large price tags on education. It's a clever scheme. Make you think that an education is so invaluable then they offer to give you an education and charge obscene amounts of money.

If you do not pay the obscene amounts of money, they get very angry. They won't let you register for classes. They will withhold your grades. They will start charging you late fees because the best way to get a poor person to pay their already late bill is to charge them more. If you can, pay your tuition on line because the internet is nicer than the people who work in your university's office. They just don't seem to understand that some people just don't have the money especially in these difficult economic times. Fast food places had recession deals on their food long before my college even acknowledged that there was a recession.

Myth: You will gain the Freshman 15.

Truth: You are more likely to lose 10-15 pounds.

Everyone talks about the Freshman 15. Because obviously the first thing you want to do when getting to college is eat nothing but junk food. Well, yes, you will eat junk food and probably more than you would eat at home. But junk food can get to be expensive. You know what's cheap. Ramen. Also, as a freshman, you will eat most of your meals in the dining hall. The food will not be that good but the upperclassmen will insist that it is better than what it used to be. Chances are that you won't overeat.

You may think that you will exercise to make sure that you don't gain weight. This will not happen. You will take a nap instead. Never fear, you will spend a large part of the first semester running around campus trying to figure out where you are. That counts as exercise, right? You will also take the stairs often because you don't have time to wait for the elevator since you forgot to set an alarm to wake you up from your nap. You'll be 10 pounds lighter just in time to gain it all back over Christmas break.

Myth: Finals week is so stressful.

Truth: Finals week is when you will finally have time to go to the movies and play video games.

Yes, you will have spent large portions of your weekends playing video games but finals week is when you finally can beat those video games. You only need to go to each class only once that week if you have to go at all. You might have to sacrifice a night or two of finals week to write a paper or two or three. But the rest of the time is fair game to do whatever. No more required reading. You can read your comics for hours if you want. You can have a dance party. You can take a nap.

Other helpful hints:

Do not take a nap in your dorm room.

The dorms are the worst place to take a nap. It will be too noisy. You may still want to take a nap there because that is where your bed is. However, if you want a quiet place to nap, go to the library. Now, I know that the library is not always the quietest place but there is always a quiet corner somewhere. Look for the section with the oldest and biggest books. That is the quietest corner. You will be able to identify it by all the people taking naps there.

Do not confront your roommate if you are having a problem with them.

It is likely that you are living in a closet sized room with this person. Problems with them will occur. It will be their fault. If you bring it up, they will probably just get angrier because they think since it is their room too, they should be able to do whatever they like even if it is incredibly annoying. Instead, have a passive aggressive fight with them. If they want the window open, close it. If they want to listen to music without head phones, play your music louder. The only exception to this rule is if your roommate eats your Girl Scout cookies. The relationship between a person and their Girl Scout cookies is sacred. If someone violates this relationship, that person is responsible for what happens to them.

Buy lots of underwear.

Most colleges send you a recommended list of supplies that you will need when living in a dorm. Ignore this list. All you really need besides things you already own is lots more underwear. When you get to school, you will discover that you own lots of shirts. You will also discover that you do not care about wearing the same pants 7 times before washing them. How often you have to do laundry depends upon how many pairs of underwear you own. The best time to do laundry is Friday night. Sure, you might want to have fun on a Friday, but you won't have to wait for a washer or dryer and no one will take your clothes out because you didn't come back the second the timer went off. Sacrifice a Friday every once in a while. If you have lots of underwear, you might only have to do laundry once a semester.


Congratulations on your acceptance to college. Good luck. It will be the best time of your life.