Monday, December 28, 2009

A Very Sarah Flowchart: Cold Case Killers

I have been very productive over the Christmas break. Not productive productive. But, you know, sorta kinda not really productive but I spent a lot of time on these random things so I'll call it being productive productive. First, I should explain that my brother Jimmy has become obsessed with Cold Case. I occasionally watch an episode with him and I usually make fun of it. We frequently make jokes about the staples of Cold Case including the basic formulas for figuring out who did it. It usually looks like the case is going to be super complicated and require excellent detective skills to solve. But when it comes down to it, the case is solved because someone remembers the exact wording of a conversation from 40 years ago. Now, I know that sometimes Cold Case does not follow the formula and tries to really shock us, but those episodes tend to be more like a Law & Order episode and that has it's own formula to which it adheres and that's a whole different flowchart. So, because I have no life, here is a flowchart depicting how to figure out the killer in every single episode (well, most of them) of Cold Case. Begin at the yellow box with the red border and continue until you find the guilty person (hint: You need to get to the purple box). Enjoy!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Dear George Lucas, We need to talk about something called feminism.

Dear George Lucas,

I have taken issue with some of the female characters in your movies. As a concerned movie viewer, I feel the need to bring these issues to your attention.

First of all, I must say that Marion Ravenwood is an awesome character... in Raiders of the Lost Ark. She's not Abner's little girl anymore. She owns that bar and pretty much can drink anyone under the table. She's independent and strong minded as evidenced by her frequent yelling at Indiana Jones. In Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, well, she drives a truck. That's it. She drives a truck while Indiana and Mutt fight communists. Why must you take my childhood and punch it in the face? I wanted a kick ass Marion Ravenwood and you gave me a truck driver.

Now that doesn't change the fact that she was kick ass in Raiders so I'll give you a point for Marion Ravenwood. But that point is quickly taken away by Willie Scott in Temple of Doom. Stupid, shrieking Willie. You make me want to like her. Temple of Doom starts with her singing "Anything Goes" in Chinese. From there, she's completely helpless. Short Round is more useful. Let me repeat that again. Short Round, a young orphan, is more useful than a grown woman. She shrieks and cries over bugs and elephants and dirt and pretty much everything else she encounters. I'm not saying I would be much better, but I would definitely be better than that. So, for giving us Willie in Temple of Doom, you lose the point for giving us Marion Ravenwood. In fact, I'm taking away another point because I hate Willie that much.

I'm going to ignore the Nazi sympathizer in Last Crusade because she's pretty forgettable. As for the Communist in Crystal Skull, I'll give you a point for making a woman the main antagonist. Yay for equal opportunity villainy. Congratulations, your point total is now zero.

Let's talk Princess Leia. She was my childhood hero. She's still my hero. She's a bit like Marion or I guess Marion is a bit like her. Sure, they get kidnapped and held hostage but they ultimately help save the day. Leia strangled Jabba with the chain that he used to enslave her while wearing a gold bikini. That's talent. Leia is sarcastic, independent and a princess. That's pretty much what I wanted to be when I grew up. Heck, that's what I still want to be if it comes with a good health care plan. I love Princess Leia. I will give you a point for each movie in the original trilogy. Because I'm feeling generous, I'll also give you a point for the Star Wars Holiday Special, but I understand if you don't want it.

Leia's adopted mother must have been amazing because her biological mother was an absolute idiot. I was super excited for Phantom Menace and Queen Amidala. I bought the action figure before the movie came out. I had the Taco Bell collector's cup which I used instead of collecting. I did not dress up like Queen Amidala for Halloween that year but that's more because I'm lazy and have dressed up like a witch every year since I was 6 until this year when I dressed up as... wait for it... a Star Fleet officer. Yeah. I said it. Star Trek is the movie that broke my lazy streak, not Star Wars. Okay, let me air my grievances about Queen/Senator Padme Amidala Skywalker. This is where I believe most of your crimes against feminism lie.

Let me get this straight. Padme Amidala became queen when she was fourteen. Are there no child labor laws on Naboo? Furthermore, she was elected queen when she was fourteen? I can see two possible reasons that this would happen. 1. The only person who cast a vote in the election was Jar Jar Binks or 2. The position of queen is automatically filled by the winner of the Miss Teen Naboo pageant. I was eleven when I first saw Phantom Menace. I could not wait to be a teenager and have crazy adventures and become queen of some planet. I had very real expectations. You know what my greatest accomplishment was when I was fourteen? I graduated from 8th grade. No one gave me my own planet to rule. Which was probably a good thing since I was mostly concerned with boys and finding rides to the mall. Yeah. I was one of those girls. Maybe if I'd had better role models in movies...

I can excuse most of Phantom Menace because she was a stupid teenager. She's just stupid in Attack of the Clones. I guess Anakin and Padme are supposed to have this great love story. I know great love stories. I watch soap operas. I also know bad love stories. I watch soap operas. Anakin and Padme had a bad love story. He was a total creeper. She even says, "Don't look at me like that. It makes me uncomfortable." Was that supposed to be her way of saying, "Ours is a forbidden love so you can't look at me like that." Because what I heard was, "Ani, someone is trying to assassinate me but you're the one I would consider my stalker right now." And still, they frolic together in the fields of Naboo and go to Tatooine to find his mother. And really, Padme, really? You see how he reacts to his mothers death and you still love him? He tells you he slaughtered them all. Women. Children. None of this sets off an alarm to run far away? Okay, George Lucas, I understand that Padme comforting Anakin over his mother's death is suppose to bring them together. I understand that. But still it seems more like those women who fall in love with men on death row. Anakin has obvious rage issues and you know the drill: anger leads to hate etc. Clearly, marriage is the best solution. Does this story sound familiar? It should because this is how every Lifetime movie begins. Minus one point for that dysfunctional relationship. Minus another point because the dialogue in Lifetime movies is better than the dialogue in Attack of the Clones.

And finally, Revenge of the Sith. Best part of this movie hands down was Padme saying to evil Anakin after he killed the younglings, "You're breaking my heart, Ani." Hysterical. I can no longer hear about broken hearts without laughing. It is important to note that "Achy Breaky Heart" couldn't do this to me, but Revenge of the Sith did. Okay, we all knew that Padme was going to die somehow. I figured her death would send Anakin over the edge, but he was pretty far gone already. How's she going to die, I wondered. Will the Emperor kill her? Will Anakin? Obviously, she will have an awesome death. Um, wait... what? She loses the will to live or dies from a broken heart or whatever lame excuse you used? I mean why would Padme have a reason to live? Her husband is evil therefore she should die. It's not like she just bore twins or anything. Do you see how this steps all over feminism? She has no life without Anakin. Shakespeare tried this crap and I didn't buy it then. Minus a point for each child she basically orphaned by losing the will to live.

So you're back to zero points and so ends my rant. I need to look on the bright side. At least you had nothing to do with Sex and the City which repeatedly kicked feminism in the face with a stiletto. I give you half of a point for that. I just want better female characters in my favorite space opera. Is that too much to ask?


Monday, December 21, 2009

Things I've Learned from TV

Everyone has a pool house or an apartment over their garage where wayward family members, friends, or random teenagers you just met can live.
Fonzie moved into the apartment above the Cunningham's house. The Camden's had an apartment over their garage on 7th Heaven. I'm proud to say that I only remember Lucy living there. If anyone else did, I was not watching or paying attention to that horrible show. I also am ashamed to say that I remember Lucy living there. I should have gicen up on that show earlier. On The OC, Peter Gallagher let Ryan move into the pool house and the Cohens didn't even know Ryan. All they knew about him was that he was a juvenile delinquent.

Now, my mother is a very nice person who wants to help those less fortunate but she would not let someone we barely knew move in with us. Of course, we don't have a pool house probably because we don't have a pool. We also don't have an apartment over our garage even though we do have a garage. We used to have a little Sesame Street playhouse in our backyard. I don't think my mother would have let someone move in there either.

Your group of friends can only have 4-6 people. You must see these friends everyday.
Seinfeld: 4 friends. Sex and the City: 4 friends. Golden Girls: 4 friends. How I Met Your Mother: 5 friends. Will & Grace: 4 friends. Friends: 6 friends. Any less than 4 friends, you need to start asking yourself why you are not more popular. Chances are it's because you are ugly or too nice. People don't like people that are too nice. True Statement. If you have more than 6 friends, you need to start asking yourself why you are so popular. Chances are it's because you are rich or too pretty. They either want to use you for your money or sex.

Said group of friends must have one hang out where you meet everyday.
Whether it's a bar like Cheers or whatever that bar is called in How I Met Your Mother or a coffee shop like Central Perk or Cafe Nervosa or a diner like the Peach Pit or Arnold's/Al's or Monk's Cafe, there must be somewhere to go to drink beer, coffee, or milkshakes and talk about your day. You also will always sit at the same table or booth or couch. It helps to become good friends of the owners. They might reserve that spot for you since you come in everyday.

It's inevitable that you or one of your friends will attempt a singing career.
I'm pretty sure One Tree Hill tried this with Haley. David Silver made an attempt too. Now, he's a music producer in Japan and sadly, I know this from watching the first season of 90210. Of course, there's always Jesse and the Rippers, Joanie and Chachi, Leather Tuscadero and the Suedes, Dingos Ate My Baby, the Brady Kids under various names including the Silver Platters, the Partridge Family but I guess that was kinda the point, Lane from Gilmore Girls had a band, the kids on every single Degrassi series have tried it with Craig being semi successful and a coke addict. And of course, the most talented of the bunch: The Zack Attack.

Just when you think you have an empty nest, one of your good for nothing siblings will force you to take in one of their children. Or a stranger wanders in and never leaves.
Happy Days is pretty much the patron saint of this one. Richie leaves and then Roger shows up. However, he was old enough to live on his own but still came over to the Cunningham's house for meals. After Joanie left to start her singing career (see above), K.C. moved in. Around the same time, Roger's younger brother Flip came to live with him. Poor Howard and Marion. They already raised 2-3 children. Let them live in peace. Also, they should probably find Chuck before taking in more kids.

7th Heaven is also at the top of the list for this one. Robbie moved in after dating Mary and then dated Lucy. Martin literally wandered into their kitchen because he was lonely and had recently moved in nearby. Shortly after that, he moves in because his aunt who he lives with is moving away*. Martin moved into the same room that Robbie had lived in which had previously been Mary and Lucy's room and then Ruthie's room yet neither he nor Robbie painted over the pink walls or got new bedspreads that were not pink. Even Uncle Jesse put up posters of Elvis around the bunnies painted on the wall.

*[Note: By this time, I was watching 7th Heaven because it was unintentionally hysterical.]

There are more rich families than poor and middle class families.
I do not mean upper middle class people. I mean legitimate middle class, working people.

Rich people: The OC, Gossip Girl, Sex and the City, Beverly Hills 90210, 90210, Brothers & Sisters, Silver Spoons, Different Strokes, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, The Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, Clueless, Arrested Development, Frasier, The Nanny. Also, note that Different Strokes involves poor kids being adopted by a rich man and Beverly Hillbillies involves a poor family becoming millionaires and moving to Beverly, Hills that is because all rich people live in California or New York. There are absolutely no rich people in the Midwest. Even Oprah has a house in California.

Poor people: Good Times and various characters on other shows that are given a better chance by rich people.

Middle class: Roseanne, All in the Family, maybe some of those CBS sitcoms that I never watched, and According to Jim- I'm assuming because Jim Belushi just screams middle class. I guess you could make a case for Everybody Loves Raymond even though my entire house could fit in their living room.

Anyway, there are way too many rich people portrayed on television and the writers usually want me to have sympathy for their financial problems. Hey, Nora Walker, here's an idea: sell your ginormous house and then you wouldn't have to worry about money. I'll admit it, I don't like rich people.

No bad things happen in the Midwest. Ever.
Los Angeles is screwed because they, for some reason, have not banned Jack Bauer from setting foot in the city. Yeah, I know he ends up saving the day and all but only after hundreds or thousands of people die including my beloved Michelle. Jack Bauer just seems to attract terrorist attacks like Jessica Fletcher attracted murders and Scooby Doo attracted criminals who enjoyed dressing up in elaborate costumes even though a ski mask would have sufficed. I can't help but wonder if we sent Jack Bauer to Wyoming if more terrorist attacks would occur there. If it doesn't happen in Los Angeles, then it's happening in New York. Why would anything bad happen in the Midwest? It's not like we're centrally located for drug and human trafficking. It's not like people have their own meth labs or anything. I guess the Midwest is catastrophe free because we got Gary Hobson with tomorrow's Sun Times today. He and Jack Bauer should team up that we be all kinds of awesome.

As soon as children are potty trained, they instantly become six years old.
It happens all the time, one minute they are sitting in a high chair, three months later they are going to kindergarten. It happened on Growing Pains, Step By Step, Family Ties and other sitcoms from the 80s and early 90s. The baby is born. Teenage siblings baby sit baby while mom goes back to work. Former youngest child is jealous of baby. Storylines end here. Why not rapidly age the kid and send them to school?

I expect children to come down with a case of SORAS in soaps, after all, it is Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome, but sitcoms, I expect better from you. Soap operas usually age kids to teenagers, but, sitcoms, you age them from babies to young children. You completely skip over the time when they might be cute and say the darnedest things to a time when they are brats and throw temper tantrums. I'm disappointed in you, sitcoms.

TV has taught me so many useful things. I feel prepared for life in the real world.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Because My Lists Go To 11: The Top 11 Christmas Songs (that are not White Christmas)

I wanted to make a list of my favorite Christmas songs. White Christmas has been disqualified for being too amazing.

11. All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey

I thought about cutting this one from the list. There were other songs that I really wanted to include instead, but how could I not have this one on the list. It's just so catchy and you can dance to it. Someone always starts singing this when it comes on no matter where you are.

10. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays by NSYNC

Maybe because I am a product of the Golden Age of Boy Bands. I wasn't even an NSYNC fan. My friends were. We totally had a dance to this. I no longer remember it. Even if I did, I would not admit it. Also, Gary Coleman is in the music video. P.S. BSB 4EVER

9. Step Into Christmas by Elton John

Welcome to his Christmas song. It's got a good beat and you can dance to it. I have. While selling glow wands.

8. There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays by The Carpenters or Perry Como

Pretty much anyone could sing this song and I'd probably love it, but these are the best.

7. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings by Barenaked Ladies with Sarah McLachlan

I have heard these two songs over and over again in church. Don't get me wrong, they're good songs but I don't think I truly appreciated them until I heard the Barenaked Ladies version.

6. Christmastime is Here by Vince Guaraldi Trio

*Honorable mentions: Hark! The Herald Angel Sing and Snoopy's Christmas by The Royal Guardsmen*

I'm cheating here. I didn't want the list to go up to 13 songs so I stuck three in this slot because I thought they fit a theme. Christmastime is Here is classic. It brings a tear to my eye and I say “That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.” One of my Christmas Snoopys plays this song when you squeeze his hand. That's right. I said "one of." When the Peanuts gang give Charlie Brown's tree a little love, they throw their heads back, as only Peanuts characters can do, and hum Hark! The Herald Angel. The people of Bedford Falls also sing it at the end of It's a Wonderful Life (Thank God Janie practiced the song so much). It moves me in both. Linus and Sam Wainwright get me everytime. Hee Haw and Merry Christmas. Since I was going with a theme of A Charlie Brown Christmas, I thought I would throw in Snoopy's Christmas. In it's own way, it's moving as well.

Are you weeping yet?

5. We Need a Little Christmas by Johnny Mathis

My family loves to play this one as we put up the Christmas tree. There is usually some dancing. And by some, I mean lots. There is lots of dancing.

4. Mele Kalikimaka by Bing Crosby

*Honorable mention: Christmas in Killarney*

Another Christmas tradition in my house is playing Mele Kalikimaka on Christmas morning. I've woken up to it and the smell of bacon so many Christmases that I know someday, I'll hear it Christmas morning and wonder why no one is making bacon. I hope that day never comes. Since we let the cassette (back in the day) and CD keep going, we would also listen to Christmas in Killarney but it's not necessarily a tradition. Just a good song. I didn't want to overwhelm the list with Bing, so it just gets an honorable mention.

3. Merry Christmas, Darling by The Carpenters

Karen Carpenter is amazing. Her voice is so beautiful. I just really love this song. Prepare to weep.

2. Peace On Earth/ Little Drummer Boy by Bing Crosby and David Bowie

Bing and Bowie. Do I really need to say more?

1. Happy Xmas (War is Over) by John & Yoko and the Plastic Ono Band with the Harlem Community Choir

This is my favorite Christmas song. I accept no substitutes- I'm talking to you, Celine Dion.

If you are not weeping now, your heart is icy then the combined ice hearts of Professor Coldheart, the Winter Warlock and me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

What will be canceled next? Is this the end of soap operas? What will Sarah do with her life? Stay tuned.

I am one sad porcupine. It was announced yesterday that CBS will not renew As The World Turns. Soap opera fan sites have tried to assure me that this does not mean that ATWT will go off the air. Perhaps another channel will pick it up. Except probably not. We've been down this road before. Passions was canceled by NBC in September 2007 and then was picked up by DirectTV except they only lasted a year there and aired their last episode in September 2008. Then this past September, Guiding Light was canceled after 72 years. I know it costs a lot of money to produce a soap opera but CBS could not hold out for 75 years? Anyway, now I'm told that As the World Turns will be canceled in September 2010. For the past 3 years, one soap has gone off the air each year. I worry for my precious Days of Our Lives and I worry for the soap opera in general.

Paul pointed out to me that ATWT was the last Procter and Gamble soap. Procter and Gamble pretty much invented the soap opera during the Great Depression to sell soap and other household products. It's the end of an era.

Can soap operas really survive much longer? Once ATWT is gone, there will only be six soap operas on the air. Rumors have been going around for a while that Days is not long for this world and that One Life to Live will be canceled. Hera, help me. This can not happen. Look, I've already started the five stages of grief.

I feel confident in saying that All My Children will not be canceled anytime soon. They're getting ready to move production to LA. If they turn around and cancel it next year, that would just be cruel. There's no way they would make everyone move only to cancel it soon after. Well, it is ABC, so who knows.

Young & the Restless is the only soap to have a prominent black family. Not just a black character. They have a black family. And they've been around for a while. The older characters actually have storylines on Y&R. Katherine Chancellor is as old as dirt and she has storylines that don't involve her being someone's mother or grandmother or great grandmother. Moral of the story: Y&R appeals to lots of demographics. It's been the highest rated soap for 10 years. CBS would have to be crazy to cancel it.

I don't really care for the Bold & the Beautiful and it's the only half hour soap left. Whatever.

James Franco is currently guest starring on General Hospital. I don't know if that has brought the ratings any higher but it seems like ABC most really care about GH to actually get an actor that people have heard of to guest star in multiple episodes. GH was a big deal back in the day. They had Luke and Laura. Millions and millions of people watched back in the 80s. Maybe if ABC really wanted to save GH, they could bring back Genie Francis. Just saying. Anywho, GH does all right for itself. I don't see ABC canceling it anytime soon because it seems like the only soap they really, truly care about. With that said, bring back Genie Francis, please.

OLTL is a sinking ship. With ATWT being canceled and AMC moving to LA, it's going to be the only New York soap. AMC and GH will be able to do cross over storylines. And OLTL will be... um... the cast will be able to appear on The View more often... and that's about it. If the cast had any sense, they would high tail it out to LA before they're left jobless and alone in New York because obviously there are no other jobs in that city for actors. I vote OLTL the most likely to be canceled next.

Days. My beloved Days. I fear for you. Word on the street is that Days is the only show to gain viewers this year, but it's still not doing great. There is nothing that really indicates that NBC would not cancel it. NBC has wanted to get out of the soap opera business for a while. It's their only soap left. It would make a lot of sense for them to cancel it. But they can not do that. Please do not do that. For my sanity. Days has been a constant in my life for 10 years. The Harry Potter books have already ended for me. You can not take this away too. I've watched Days for longer than most of my friendships have lasted. A part of me would be missing without it. I know it sounds lame but it is true.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Philosophical question of the week: Do I hate her because of who she is or who I am?

Over the weekend, I made a comment to some people (who were listening to and singing "Party in the USA" or whatever that song is called) about how I do not like Miley Cyrus. My exact wording might have been "I detest Miley Cyrus." Anyway, I went on a mini-rant about how she's 16 and super slutty and really annoying. Let's ignore for a moment that when I was 12, I got Baby One More Time... for Christmas. Back to Miley Cyrus, I went on and on about how she's so young and has millions of dollars and not super talented and has millions of dollars and started her career on Disney and has millions of dollars and is going to be washed up by the time she's 21 with her millions of dollars. And suddenly, it hit me. Am I... I can't even bear to say it... am I jealous of Miley Cyrus?

My immediate reaction was "Of course not-that's silly. Look at me, I'm a smart 21 year old and my dad is not Billy Ray Cyrus." And then I really thought about it. I'm 21. I live in my parent's tiny house. I'll be graduating from college in May with a degree in theatre and communications. I have about $200 to my name right now. I am never going to find a job. I am so screwed. Compare that to Miley Cyrus who has millions of dollars and I'm pretty sure her parent's live in her gigantic house. Great Hera, I am jealous of Miley Cyrus.

Yet, I also hate her with a passion for legitimate reasons.

1. She is tarnishing the Disney image. She's not the only one. Vanessa Hudgens has helped. I remember a simpler time when sexual innuendos were slipped into Disney animated movies but the young girls who sold their souls to Disney had to remain innocent and most definitely non-slutty. When Kirsten Storms aka Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century played Belle Black on Days of Our Lives, Belle had to wear a purity ring and make it absolutely clear that she was waiting until she was married to have sex. Why? Because she was still making Disney movies and they would not let her do anything on a soap opera that would tarnish the wholesome image of Disney. But now, the girls that work on Disney Channel are pretty slutty and take revealing pictures of themselves that end up on the internet. Really? And Belle and Shawn could not have sex during their senior trip to Puerto Rico. They were the teenage supercouple. Stupid Disney.

2. I feel like I am watching Miley Cyrus' life fall apart. Yeah, I know that her life has not fallen apart yet. Yet. Miley Cyrus is Britney Spears. She welcomes the comparison. Let's compare. They both started on Disney. They've had their fair share of controversies especially for being too sexual. Britney's fame skyrocketed in 1998. Miley's in 2008. According to my calculations, Miley is scheduled for a complete mental breakdown in 2017. I feel like that friend in every Lifetime movie, who's like "Hey, I think you're husband is crazy and is going to try to kill you." And the friend is like "No, he loves me. I have nothing to worry about." And everyone else is like "You are so paranoid." And then the wife turns up dead and everyone realizes that maybe they should have listened to me. Miley, I am doing this for you. Get out of show business now! Live a relatively normal life far away from here. Please avoid Britney Spears' life. You have been warned.

I know that my life will turn out so much better than Miley Cyrus' life. Look at the other girls who got their start on Disney:

Britney Spears: see above

Lindsay Lohan: rehab. rehab. and a little bit more rehab. I think she starred in an ABC Family movie recently. And she won a razzie last year or the year before. She might have even won two razzies. I think she tied with herself.

Hilary Duff: I think she guest starred in an episode of Law and Order: SVU recently and... no that's all I've got.

But however her life ultimately turns out, for the time being, I am jealous of Miley Cyrus. Oh, Lord, help me.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

A Note to My Facebook Friends

At first, I thought I would write this as a note on facebook, but since I'm going to insult most of my facebook friends, I was afraid I'd start some kind of epic facebook war. People would have to choose sides and it'd get very violent- worse than the East Coast West Coast soap opera rivalry. The war would go on for decades and ultimately the sole survivor would be Mister Rogers. I wanted none of that so I created a blog, just to post this:

Dear Facebook Friends,

You're a diverse bunch of people ranging from 4th grade classmates to co-workers that I never really liked to that person who occasionally showed up for English 102 freshman year and how can I forget the "Who wants to be my facebook friend? I mean the name sounds familiar but I can not seem to remember who they are... Oh, wait, yeah, that person. How did they find me?" I, of course, always accept your friendship because deep down in my ice heart, I am a stalker. I need to see your profile and here's what we need to talk about.

Your profiles. Oh, Lord, your profiles. They're great because they remind me why facebook is the only way I will ever communicate with you. And that's where the compliments end, if you can call that a compliment. Facebook should be perfect for me. All my gossiping needs in one location. However, facebook friends, you've found a way to ruin that for me with your oversharing. I used to be able to avoid these type of things. I'd see them if you were on my regular stalkee list. Now with the newsfeed, you control what I see first and I have some major issues with it.

First and foremost, let's talk about what you post as your status. I'm super happy that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend (no I'm not), but you do not need to post about them all the time. And they do not need to post on your wall 24/7. It's PDA and it's gross. Especially when you have cutesy nicknames for each other. You should never call anyone "Baby" unless they are in fact a baby and/or sitting in a corner. Other names that are not acceptable are sweetie, honey, boo, sugar, cupcake or anything else that makes me want to vomit.

Being overly affectionate on facebook is bad, being totally hostile is a million times worse. I'm sorry you had a fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend (no I'm not), but do not post it as your freaking status. Your attempts at being passive aggressive are not really that passive aggressive. Example: When you post earlier in the day- "Can't wait to hang out with my baby tonight!!! I <3 you, babe" and then post- "WTF? I hate when people txt and cancel plans at the last minute. You couldn't have called me earlier to let me know?!?!" Goodness, who could you be talking about? Trouble in paradise? Take your dysfunction to Maury not facebook.

Despite all your dysfunction, my facebook friends, some of you manage to find a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with (or someone who has decent health insurance). Anyway, because you choose to have everything appear in the newsfeed, I'm privileged to hear all the details about your wedding before it occurs and then see the pictures after despite never having been invited. Lucky me. Not that I want to be invited. In fact, thank you for not inviting me. I just don't want to hear all the lovey, dovey, sickening details or see the pictures. I mean, I have to look at the pictures because I'm a stalker. Also, most of you are still in your early 20s. I am in no way, shape or form ready (emotionally or financially) to get married. Why do you want to get married now? Love? Really? In this economy? If I found my soul mate right now, I would not spend money to get married. If he loves me, he'd understand that a wedding right after college when you probably won't find a job is just silly.

Now, some of you choose to skip the wedding completely and go straight to the having kids part. Congratulations on popping the kid out. Do I really need to see pictures of the 10 minute old baby uploaded to facebook from your cell phone? Don't get me wrong, babies eventually become cute, but a newborn, fresh out of the birth canal, not so much. Wait four months then post some pictures. I guarantee that I'll think your baby is adorable and be jealous that you have a baby before I remember that I am not ready for a baby (emotionally or financially) and am glad that I'm not you.

I don't want to see pictures of newborn babies on facebook so I definitely don't want to see fetuses on facebook. Why would you upload your ultrasound? Private message it to your family and best friends if you really want them to see it. It's weird when things like that pop up in the newsfeed. It's really weird. I mean you might be all happy but all I can think is "Really? She's pregnant? She is so not ready for a baby."

Moral of the story: I judge you. My verdict: You are not ready for any of the life choices you have made. And that's just based on your facebook. Imagine what I'd say if we were actually friends. Yeah, I barely could control my laughter while typing that. Us? Friends? Like for serious? Never. I am not ready for that (emotionally or financially). I'm also kinda over facebook stalking you. You've taken all the fun out of it. @reply me when you straighten out your life, discover Twitter and become interesting again.

Your Facebook Friend