Sunday, December 6, 2009

A Note to My Facebook Friends

At first, I thought I would write this as a note on facebook, but since I'm going to insult most of my facebook friends, I was afraid I'd start some kind of epic facebook war. People would have to choose sides and it'd get very violent- worse than the East Coast West Coast soap opera rivalry. The war would go on for decades and ultimately the sole survivor would be Mister Rogers. I wanted none of that so I created a blog, just to post this:

Dear Facebook Friends,

You're a diverse bunch of people ranging from 4th grade classmates to co-workers that I never really liked to that person who occasionally showed up for English 102 freshman year and how can I forget the "Who wants to be my facebook friend? I mean the name sounds familiar but I can not seem to remember who they are... Oh, wait, yeah, that person. How did they find me?" I, of course, always accept your friendship because deep down in my ice heart, I am a stalker. I need to see your profile and here's what we need to talk about.

Your profiles. Oh, Lord, your profiles. They're great because they remind me why facebook is the only way I will ever communicate with you. And that's where the compliments end, if you can call that a compliment. Facebook should be perfect for me. All my gossiping needs in one location. However, facebook friends, you've found a way to ruin that for me with your oversharing. I used to be able to avoid these type of things. I'd see them if you were on my regular stalkee list. Now with the newsfeed, you control what I see first and I have some major issues with it.

First and foremost, let's talk about what you post as your status. I'm super happy that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend (no I'm not), but you do not need to post about them all the time. And they do not need to post on your wall 24/7. It's PDA and it's gross. Especially when you have cutesy nicknames for each other. You should never call anyone "Baby" unless they are in fact a baby and/or sitting in a corner. Other names that are not acceptable are sweetie, honey, boo, sugar, cupcake or anything else that makes me want to vomit.

Being overly affectionate on facebook is bad, being totally hostile is a million times worse. I'm sorry you had a fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend (no I'm not), but do not post it as your freaking status. Your attempts at being passive aggressive are not really that passive aggressive. Example: When you post earlier in the day- "Can't wait to hang out with my baby tonight!!! I <3 you, babe" and then post- "WTF? I hate when people txt and cancel plans at the last minute. You couldn't have called me earlier to let me know?!?!" Goodness, who could you be talking about? Trouble in paradise? Take your dysfunction to Maury not facebook.

Despite all your dysfunction, my facebook friends, some of you manage to find a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with (or someone who has decent health insurance). Anyway, because you choose to have everything appear in the newsfeed, I'm privileged to hear all the details about your wedding before it occurs and then see the pictures after despite never having been invited. Lucky me. Not that I want to be invited. In fact, thank you for not inviting me. I just don't want to hear all the lovey, dovey, sickening details or see the pictures. I mean, I have to look at the pictures because I'm a stalker. Also, most of you are still in your early 20s. I am in no way, shape or form ready (emotionally or financially) to get married. Why do you want to get married now? Love? Really? In this economy? If I found my soul mate right now, I would not spend money to get married. If he loves me, he'd understand that a wedding right after college when you probably won't find a job is just silly.

Now, some of you choose to skip the wedding completely and go straight to the having kids part. Congratulations on popping the kid out. Do I really need to see pictures of the 10 minute old baby uploaded to facebook from your cell phone? Don't get me wrong, babies eventually become cute, but a newborn, fresh out of the birth canal, not so much. Wait four months then post some pictures. I guarantee that I'll think your baby is adorable and be jealous that you have a baby before I remember that I am not ready for a baby (emotionally or financially) and am glad that I'm not you.

I don't want to see pictures of newborn babies on facebook so I definitely don't want to see fetuses on facebook. Why would you upload your ultrasound? Private message it to your family and best friends if you really want them to see it. It's weird when things like that pop up in the newsfeed. It's really weird. I mean you might be all happy but all I can think is "Really? She's pregnant? She is so not ready for a baby."

Moral of the story: I judge you. My verdict: You are not ready for any of the life choices you have made. And that's just based on your facebook. Imagine what I'd say if we were actually friends. Yeah, I barely could control my laughter while typing that. Us? Friends? Like for serious? Never. I am not ready for that (emotionally or financially). I'm also kinda over facebook stalking you. You've taken all the fun out of it. @reply me when you straighten out your life, discover Twitter and become interesting again.

Your Facebook Friend

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