Over the weekend, I made a comment to some people (who were listening to and singing "Party in the USA" or whatever that song is called) about how I do not like Miley Cyrus. My exact wording might have been "I detest Miley Cyrus." Anyway, I went on a mini-rant about how she's 16 and super slutty and really annoying. Let's ignore for a moment that when I was 12, I got Baby One More Time... for Christmas. Back to Miley Cyrus, I went on and on about how she's so young and has millions of dollars and not super talented and has millions of dollars and started her career on Disney and has millions of dollars and is going to be washed up by the time she's 21 with her millions of dollars. And suddenly, it hit me. Am I... I can't even bear to say it... am I jealous of Miley Cyrus?
My immediate reaction was "Of course not-that's silly. Look at me, I'm a smart 21 year old and my dad is not Billy Ray Cyrus." And then I really thought about it. I'm 21. I live in my parent's tiny house. I'll be graduating from college in May with a degree in theatre and communications. I have about $200 to my name right now. I am never going to find a job. I am so screwed. Compare that to Miley Cyrus who has millions of dollars and I'm pretty sure her parent's live in her gigantic house. Great Hera, I am jealous of Miley Cyrus.
Yet, I also hate her with a passion for legitimate reasons.
1. She is tarnishing the Disney image. She's not the only one. Vanessa Hudgens has helped. I remember a simpler time when sexual innuendos were slipped into Disney animated movies but the young girls who sold their souls to Disney had to remain innocent and most definitely non-slutty. When Kirsten Storms aka Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century played Belle Black on Days of Our Lives, Belle had to wear a purity ring and make it absolutely clear that she was waiting until she was married to have sex. Why? Because she was still making Disney movies and they would not let her do anything on a soap opera that would tarnish the wholesome image of Disney. But now, the girls that work on Disney Channel are pretty slutty and take revealing pictures of themselves that end up on the internet. Really? And Belle and Shawn could not have sex during their senior trip to Puerto Rico. They were the teenage supercouple. Stupid Disney.
2. I feel like I am watching Miley Cyrus' life fall apart. Yeah, I know that her life has not fallen apart yet. Yet. Miley Cyrus is Britney Spears. She welcomes the comparison. Let's compare. They both started on Disney. They've had their fair share of controversies especially for being too sexual. Britney's fame skyrocketed in 1998. Miley's in 2008. According to my calculations, Miley is scheduled for a complete mental breakdown in 2017. I feel like that friend in every Lifetime movie, who's like "Hey, I think you're husband is crazy and is going to try to kill you." And the friend is like "No, he loves me. I have nothing to worry about." And everyone else is like "You are so paranoid." And then the wife turns up dead and everyone realizes that maybe they should have listened to me. Miley, I am doing this for you. Get out of show business now! Live a relatively normal life far away from here. Please avoid Britney Spears' life. You have been warned.
I know that my life will turn out so much better than Miley Cyrus' life. Look at the other girls who got their start on Disney:
Britney Spears: see above
Lindsay Lohan: rehab. rehab. and a little bit more rehab. I think she starred in an ABC Family movie recently. And she won a razzie last year or the year before. She might have even won two razzies. I think she tied with herself.
Hilary Duff: I think she guest starred in an episode of Law and Order: SVU recently and... no that's all I've got.
But however her life ultimately turns out, for the time being, I am jealous of Miley Cyrus. Oh, Lord, help me.